Back in 2019, I suffered a loss. Over the years since the loss of my husband Mark, I have been asked many questions. I thought that I would share some of these with you, as well as my responses.
Do you still miss him?
As a widow, this seems to me like such a silly question to be asked. Whenever someone asks me, I want to yell at the person and say, “seriously, you’re actually asking me that? Think about what you just said.” But the response I give and will always give is this.
Yes, I miss him. Every minute of every day. I miss him every time I want to ask advice, when I want to tell him something, when I want to show him a new skill I’ve learned or when I want to share a new piece of writing. I miss him in everything, every aspect of life.
Did friends or family disappear after his passing?
People I had considered friends came to his life celebration and left. Never to be seen/heard from again. People I’d considered friends promised a phone call but never did. Several of my husband’s family decided that I was not worth bothering with again!
Family & friends want to fix you when you’re sad, a perfectly natural reaction, but they don’t realise that when you lose a spouse, you change. You’re a different person. It’s not fixable.
Does it get easier?
Some days it feels easier and some days it feels horrendous. There is no predicting where these days will fall.
Do you get over it?
Never, and why should you? I spent 27 years with my husband and when a loss happens you cannot (and should not) pack up those memories and never think of them again.
How do you keep going?
In the words of my late mum, ‘just because.’ You have to keep going, only you will know at what pace. Life doesn’t stop. As cheesy as it sounds, there is a certain honour in living a life I hope Mark would be proud of.
Have you learned to live with it?
Do I hate that Mark has gone and we’re not together anymore? Yes.
Do I talk of him often? Yes.
Do I laugh at memories and stories? Yes.
You have to live with it, there is no other choice.
Have you moved on?
No and you never do. You move forward and take your memories with you.
How do you cope on special days?
Again, you have to. You could choose to lock the door and ignore the world on those days, or you can choose to do something with your life on those days.
Did you take your wedding ring off and when?
Yes. I took it off at 6 months. I just needed to; I couldn’t explain why. It’s been on and off again over the years. I put it on again this year over what would have been our 30th anniversary.
What do you miss the most?
Most of all, I miss him at night as he couldn’t fall asleep without a hand on my back.
For other widows: If there is a takeaway from this, know that you’re alone.
If you know a widow: here’s your takeaway from this. Be their friend. They need you and can’t express that. Also, think about how you word things when talking to your friend. What you feel is right to say, isn’t always the best thing. Sometimes the best thing is to say nothing and just be there.
