AUGUST
Friends move on while you stay still: Your address book changes after grief
In the days immediately after the death of a spouse, there are an absurd number of things that need doing. You need the support of your friends to get everything done. Now, hold that thought right there. Author Megan Devine, in her book “It’s ok that you’re not okay” gifted the world this line. She said, “Grief changes your address book”. I can speak from example and say boy, she wasn’t wrong. In retrospect it is easy to see why. At the time it’s heartbreaking.
The trouble with friendships after the loss of a spouse is simple. Your friend’s life has gone back to normal. It’s that simple. They lost a friend (your spouse) and grieved. Now they are back to their family life with their spouse and kids, doing what they always do. Going to work and getting on with life. Unfortunately, this is something a widow/widower is never able to do, and subsequently this can culminate in friendship changes. After such a dramatic loss, friendships drift into different categories. Let me explain.
The “I didn’t bother you, I thought you’d appreciate the time alone” friend
These are the people that (a) don’t know how to manage your grief and (b) struggle with the fact that this highlights their own mortality. If someone bails on you at the time when you need them the most, immediately after a loss, a loved one’s birthday or death anniversary, ask yourself if that person is a friend? If they were a friend, would they not support you?
The “call me if you need me” friend
As a widow, and as someone who had a friend say to me “I’m not into small-talk, ring me if you want me”, trust me when I say…a widow won’t do that. We don’t know when we need you. Do we ring you when we are still in our PJs at 5 o’clock in the afternoon because we forget to get dressed? Do we ring you because we want to go out for dinner? As a widow, I can truthfully say, I never rang the person who said that to me. I didn’t feel I could. I felt as if I was a bother to him
The “I didn’t tell you because…” friend
There will always be someone after a loss, someone in your friend group, that doesn’t tell you something. Maybe they didn’t tell you that there was a party, because they weren’t sure if they should invite you. Maybe they were worried you’d come and be upset, or worried you’d say no. Maybe there were going to be lots of couples there. Maybe they were worried that you’d spoil their party if you were upset. Personally, I’d much rather be given the responsibility of saying yes/no myself, than someone taking that decision away from me.
The exhausting friend
I had a friend who commented on how he missed my husband. When I responded, “I can imagine, I miss him too”, I was told that grief was not a competition. Can you believe someone saying that to a widow or widower? Even as I type it now, it just seems horrible. In another article, I heard the term “energy vampire” and this sums up this group of people perfectly. When they visit you, the focus is on them and not you. For a widow/widower, it is like swimming against the tide. You can’t get away. Much as you may want to yell “stop, I can’t hear about your problems now”, you find yourself nodding along and helping them, when you need them more than ever.
The “How are you really?” friends.
These are the people that always say, “I know how you feel”. Being with these sorts of friends, makes a widow/widower feel that they have to nod along and just say “oh, I’m ok”. If you look at these people as they ask the ‘how are you really?’ question, watch for the sympathetic head tilt. We all do it. We tell people that ‘they must be so strong’. But they’re not! They had no choice in the matter! We tell people ‘I don’t know how you keep going’ but again, they had no choice in this matter. Do we want to know the honest answers or are we scared of what we might hear?
The “I’m coming over regardless” friend
These are gold standard friends. They are the most amazing friends/family to have. The ones that turn up on your doorstep knowing you’re home and without an invite. The ones that come in and talk to you about your spouse without batting an eyelid. The ones who come over just to walk your dog. The ones that make a cup of tea for you both and don’t care whether you drink yours. The ones that shop for your food without being asked. These are the people you need. Ones who don’t need to be told, for want of a better phrase. As a widow, brain fog is something that becomes prominent. The ‘coming over regardless’ friend is that fog being lifted for you. They help you get through each day.
Being friends with a widow is exhausting for all. But true friends see through that exhaustion and oppression and stick it out for the long haul. But widowhood can sometimes highlight cracks that were already in a friendship. Cracks that you knew were there but had papered over. The faltering friendships in widowhood, turn cracks into chasms. It is then time to say goodbye to some friendships. Sadly, I had to do that. People I’d considered friends had now vanished into the nether sphere of life, never to be heard from again. Messages went unanswered which left me in no doubt where I stood. I was now grieving the living and the dead
There are however some amazing people that have stuck by me. My husband’s best friend and his entire family have been such a mountain of support continually. We have friends in the UK that I know I can call at any time day or night. I have family that I can rely on. I have friends here that I worked with from my first workplace almost 20 years ago. My first Aussie friends. We are very close.
I lost my soulmate 5 years ago. In the time between his death and celebration of life, just six weeks later, my life became unbelievably quiet as some friends slipped into the ‘I didn’t want to bother you’ mould. One even said, ‘I didn’t think you’d want to see me, so I didn’t bother’. At my husband’s life celebration, friends came to pay tribute to him. After that, they got on with their life. Unfortunately, after the loss of a spouse, the widow/widower just can’t get on with life. It doesn’t work like that.
Speaking from my point of view, I didn’t just lose a spouse. I lost my husband, best friend, partner, the man I slept with, my date, my sous-chef, my movie night partner, my confidante, the man I laughed with, cried with, told my secrets to, and so much more. I lost the man that I enjoyed late night chats with, lying in bed. I lost my normal life. That’s the part that friends can struggle with. While a friends life continues, a widow’s life will ever be the same again.
JULY
This month`s post is a two parter.
Asking for help and clearing out a loved ones belongings are two of the toughest things to face after spousal death.
Where do you start and how do you do it?
Part 1: How do I ask my friends for help?
Grief is exhausting and it is debilitating. The ground constantly shifts under your feet and life is never the same again. When you lose someone, you need help. The trouble is, you either don’t realise the help you need, or you don’t know how to ask for it. So, let’s see how we can help you.
You may find that a lot of your friendship circle say, “call me if you need me.” Now, if you’re anything like I was, that means nothing. As a widow, the loss and debilitation that you feel, prevents you from putting two and two together to make that call. I couldn’t have made that call. I knew I needed help, but I didn’t know who to ask, why I should ask, and I also didn’t want to be a burden.
The long and short of it is that you do need people around you for aid and support and the only way to get it is to ask. Admitting that you need or want help, is not a feeling of failure so please do not ever think that. Admitting that you need help, is not you saying that you can’t cope. You are simply saying, “what I am going through is hell and I can’t do it alone.” But how do you ask for that help? What I would do, and what I wish I’d done, is make a list of all the most important things you need help with. Then match tasks with friends. Easy to see these things in retrospect! Here goes:
Cooking
If a friend is a great cook, ask them if they can help you out with a few meals. I had someone who produced one meal for my freezer, and I never heard from her again. That was 2019.
Walking the dog
If you need a dog walker, you may have a friend or a friend’s child that wants to earn a little pocket money for doing that job for you. I found walking the dog was therapeutic, peaceful in a way. I could tune out from everything that was going on.
Cleaning the house
You may have a friend that is a clean freak! Ask for help and tell her/him that as a thank you, you’ll take her for dinner afterwards. This gets you out of the house too.
Shopping
Ask a friend to sort out some supplies for you. Shopping can be daunting. Seeing people you know and who knew your partner. Maybe having to explain that he/she passed away. Seeing products that you know your partner would like. If a friend can take that burden away for a couple of weeks/months, it makes a difference.
There are many tasks that I could list that you may need help with, but we are all individual and those tasks will vary from person to person. For me, I needed help with clearing my house, someone to put a few meals in front of me, someone to say, “I’m coming over, let’s go for a coffee”. But I didn’t know how to ask. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone and so completed the majority of tasks alone. I had one amazing friend that asked for “the worst job. The job that you don’t want to do.” She got it!!
If there is a takeaway message from this article,
For widows/widowers: Ask for help. Text a friend or call a friend and ask. You have nothing to lose.
For friends of widows/widowers: We may ask for help but if we don’t, offer it. We may look strong, but we put on a great face for everyone. We need you.
Part 2: Packing up my loved one’s belongings.
From a toothbrush in the bathroom to a shirt hanging in the wardrobe to a coffee mug in the kitchen, they are all belongings and all valuable in their own way. After loss, how do you even begin to start with the mammoth task of clearing possessions?
Let me walk you through how you can do this.
People – Are you doing this alone or are others helping you? If you are doing this with others, make sure that they are fully updated as to what you want. Make sure that they ask you if unsure about anything.
Planning – Do you have an order that you’d like to go through things? Knowing where to start can be the toughest thing.
Pace yourself – It’s not a job to do in a day, remember that. You might want to allocate the wardrobe for one day, bathroom for another and so on.
Realistic – As you sort out, you need to be realistic. As much as you may want to keep all your loved one’s favourite things, it just isn’t realistic to do that. It’s about working out what is the most important and usable in your life moving forward. A lot of my belongings ended up in storage and over a couple of years, I resorted things out and decided to bin or keep various items.
Where will the items go? – This is where everyone is individual but generally you will have these categories.
Save for yourself.
I guarantee that when you pile up items in your “Save for yourself” pile, there will be much more than you anticipated. The challenge is looking at that pile and realising what is practicable to keep. If there are collections of things, such as half a dozen coffee mugs your loved one had, keep the favourite. Take photographs of items that you part with (but may not want to), so you can make a memory book of images.
Save for others.
When you save for others, have in your mind before you start, who the ‘others’ are. For example: I saved things for a couple of friends, my late husband’s children, brothers, mum, my brother and my dad. My dad received all of my late husband’s nice dress shirts and his whiskey. My brother was given by husbands Apple Watch. My husband’s family got some odds and ends and some clothing.
Sell
Deciding what to sell is a tough one. It takes items of memory away from you forever. If you find you that you have a lot to sell and you don’t know what to do with the money or feel a guilt (which is natural) about it, use the money to do something you would never have had the chance to do. Either that or do something that your loved one would have loved to do but didn’t.
Throw away
This is the biggie. The hardest category to consider. This category involves the need to be realistic over what is right to keep. Here’s the story of how I dealt with possessions.
“As soon as my husband died, I moved straight in with my parents to care for my mum. I didn’t get a chance to think about it all. Most of my possessions that I didn’t bring to my parents’ house went into storage. Gradually over the next 2 ½ years I went through the storage unit. I had the suit I married in from 1994. I’m never going to wear it again and never wore it from that day, so I was ruthless. I chucked away so much, but it took me 2 ½ years to have the courage.”
You will know when things are right. Some people clear out the wardrobe after a week as they can’t bear to be reminded of their loss. Some may leave the clothes there for years. When it is right, that’s the time.
Big Decisions after your spouse’s death.
Getting up in the morning. Remembering to cook for yourself. Going to get food for your fridge. Walking the dog. Paying bills. Clearing your spouse’s possessions. All of these and so many more are decisions that you may have to make when you lose someone. Knowing you have to make decisions and actually doing it are very hard. We have talked about forgetfulness and the other Widowbrain symptoms that can be part of post-loss life. So, how do you manage to make decisions? How do you make the big decisions?
It’s often said that a widow/widower should wait 6-12 months before making big decisions. Grief and decision making in grief does not have a timeline and it is important that friends of widows and widowers remember that. Telling your widowed friend “It’s too early to do that” or “you can leave that for now”, is not something you should ever do. If your widowed friend wants to do something, support her in her choice. Help her through the decision rather than criticising her for making it.
Big decisions you may have to make post-loss
- Moving to a new home – This decision may be made when it is needed. Circumstances may dictate when that change happens. A widow I interviewed recently said, “I moved out within 6 months. My memories were not the house. Bricks and mortar are not memories to me.”
- Discarding personal items – Discarding items when you want all reminders away from sight can seem like a good idea at the time but roll forward a few months when you are looking for a coffee mug, a shirt or something else that belonged to your loved one. If in doubt, don’t throw out.
- Changing jobs – There is a feeling that businesses don’t respond as they should to grieving workers. Your grief is fresh, and you may feel that your workplace doesn’t understand. They won’t understand unless they have lived it. They have policies and procedures in place for compassionate leave. What we have to remember is that, at the end of the day they are a business, not a friend.
- Financial Changes – Losing a loved one brings a raft of new responsibilities, ones you may not have dealt with before. If a partner has always dealt with the finances, then for a widow to even pay a bill can be traumatic to deal with. A widow I spoke with recently said, “My husband was terminally ill and in his last months, he transferred all the bills to my name, while showing me everything I needed to know. He felt like he was being useful by preparing me for afterwards. It’s now that I can look back and realise how much that helped.”
There are many more ‘big’ decisions that you may have to make. I can’t list all of them, there are too many, but always remember this one. If you don’t take care of yourself through the grief process, the toll that it takes will multiply exponentially. Time heals all wounds is terminology we often hear. When we’re talking loss, it isn’t true. The loss is assimilated into the new form of life we have as we begin to find out what that means for us. Big decisions and a new life. Decisions we never want to make and a life that we have to establish for ourselves.
JUNE
You cant fix grief: Please stop trying
Everyone wants to “fix” a sad friend who is going through grief. It’s a natural reaction to want to make them feel better. However, spousal loss is a grief that cannot be fixed. It’s one that is here with a widow forever. They are grieving the loss of their loved one, loss of the life they had and would have had. They are grieving every aspect of life that someone with a husband or wife still has. This months WidowLife is about coping with the grief.
Part 1: The Widow`s Guide
Coping with grief. Three words that really do not go together. I mean, let’s be honest, how do you cope with something like grief, something that’s determined to knock you down every time you try to get up? Something that comes from the depths of your soul and fills you with an incredible sadness at the loss you’ve suffered. Please bear with me as I try and guide you through this.
- Remember, everyone is different.
- There are no right and wrong answers.
- There is no grief manual that you have to follow.
- It’s about what’s right for you and not about what everyone thinks is right.
The first thing to realise is that grief is the worst feeling in the world. You can’t get away from it, hard as you might try. You’ve lost a husband or a wife and if you are anything like me, you feel that you’ve lost half your identity too. You don’t know whether you’re coming or you’re going, and your life has changed forever. After all, the other half of you is missing. The waves of grief are draining you mentally and physically, let alone emotionally. What you have to do now, is find your coping mechanisms, what works for you. Those ways of coping are individual. What works for you will not necessarily work for the next person.
Here are some recommended ideas for coping:
- Realise you’re only human. That’s the biggie. If you can accept that one straight away, that’s half the battle.
- Don’t try to be a hero doing everything. Grief doesn’t allow that. Widow-brain doesn’t allow that.
- Ask for help. Some people can do this easily. Some can’t.
- Seek face to face counselling if you need to.
- There will be many formal things you need to focus on through your grief. Make lists. Those lists will be invaluable.
- Remember you don’t have to ‘be strong” with your loss. Showing your feelings helps your family and you to be on the same page and support each other.
- Remember there is no timescale for grief.
- When grief hits, let it. If that means, you don’t get out of bed that day, so be it. If it means you lay in bed at night yelling at the room how unfair it is (I did that), then so be it.
- If coping with grief means that you clear out your loved one’s clothes that first week after they passed, then do it. It has to be what’s right for you.
- If getting up every morning and going straight back to work is your coping mechanism, then you have to do what’s right.
Grief is an emotion that never announces its arrival or how long it’s going to stay. It hits like an ocean wave and knocks you down again and again. How you cope, is down to you, your family and support network as well as remembering this. You are only human.
Part 2: The Friends Guide
When someone grieves it manifests very differently. Some people will be quiet. Some will shut down and not answer the phone/messages. Some will be loud and exuberant. Some will be angry. Some will cry. Every one of them is a valid grief response. But the million-dollar question is, how do you support a friend in grief?
That’s a question that I can’t answer. You didn’t want to hear that did you! Okay, let me put it another way. It’s a question where the answer is different for everyone. Now, let’s see what information I can give you that might go some way to helping your grieving friend.
- Accept that you will be uncomfortable with what’s happening. It’s natural.
- Accept that you cannot fix a “sad/grieving” friend and don’t try to. Grief is unfixable. It’s there for life. It’s a grief not only of the person who has died, but also the life lost of the person remaining. The life they would have had with that person.
- Don’t disappear on your grieving friend. Never assume they need ‘time alone’ as it is rarely true. They will need you but just don’t quite know how to tell you. Sometimes they just need to know that you are in the house with them. It can be that simple.
- Never tell them to call you when they want you. Speaking from experience, a widow barely remembers that they get out of bed, let alone making calls.
- Be aware that your friend will have a wide range of emotions, some of which may be the complete opposite to their normalcy. Accept that. Again, don’t try and fix this.
- Support your grieving friends with the paperwork side of death – there is a lot and it’s very hard to comprehend everything you’re told.
- Offer to drive them to the lawyers and the bank. There are lots of things to do after a death.
- Observe your friend discreetly for physical signs of increased emotional fragility. Signs such as fatigue, nausea, weight changes, insomnia, aches and pains that were not there before.
- Put together a care package for your friend. Tissues, takeout menus, photo of their loved one, blanket to snuggle up with, a kind note, flowers, movie subscription. Little things that tell them you’re thinking of them.
- Never tell them that ‘I know how you feel’. With all the respect in the world, unless you have experienced spousal loss yourself…. you really have no idea. Spousal loss is something else. Every loss is different.
- Talk about the person who has died. Just because they died, don’t forget the life they had with your friend. Laugh at the funny moments. Share tears when needed and just talk.
- Offer to help around the house, but never be offended if they say no. They may want to do these jobs themselves in order to keep their mind occupied.
When my husband passed away, I remember that I went to a friend’s house for dinner and was blindsided by a houseful of people. I had no idea they were going to be there and they had no idea what to say to me, given the loss. I had people I’d considered friends step away and never return to the friendship. When that happens you mourn the living and the dead. It’s very sad.
Widowhood is a traumatic experience, one that can end up lonely if friends step away. Be the person that your grieving friend doesn’t know they need. Be there for them – always.
MAY
What is widow-brain?
The loss of a loved one is prone to triggering a significant brain response. Unintended side effects are usually the by-product of this. Many who lose a spouse report that it can take weeks or months to settle in. This is the brain protecting itself from the stages of grief.
Symptoms of Widow-Brain
Widowbrain impacts almost all aspects of daily life with no prediction as to when and where it will take place. Such symptoms are:
- Forgetfulness.
- Extreme sadness.
- Brain fog.
- Irritability.
- Exhaustion, no matter how much sleep you have.
- Numbness.
- Nausea.
How long does it last?
Everyone is different. It’s that simple, however there is a generality stated that it usually lasts a couple of months through to the first year. What tends to happen is that the sense of loss will overtake the widowbrain symptoms. Those symptoms can return. Usually triggered by “firsts” without the loved one, they may reappear around birthdays, anniversaries.
How do I manage it?
Widowbrain is an aspect of grief, which in itself is one of the most difficult emotions to navigate and process. Remember it’s all about working through it in your own time. Here are some ideas about what else you can do:
Lean on family and friends.
If you have things that your family can do and offer to do for you…let them. Family and friends will offer condolences and support. Take that support.
Ask for help.
No one knows more about widows/widowers’ loss than those who have been through it. Find yourself a support group, whether it’s face to face or even a Facebook group. Find resources and places you can ask questions from those going through the same thing.
Don’t rush the grief.
I hate to say this, but it’s true. The grief will never go, it’s going to be with you forever in some form or another. There will always be a part of you grieving for the person you had. You never lose the lifetime of memories you had with that person. The grief at losing them, as well as your potential future with them will always be with you.
Write things down.
Write things down and make lists. If forgetfulness is something that has reared its ugly head, use basic tools such as lists, to overcome that.
Self-care.
Self-care covers a multitude of factors. Eat well, sleep well and reduce stress. I know you’re probably shouting at this page about ‘how can a widow reduce stress?’…. you can. Whether it be doing something that you love to do, whether it be simply going for a walk, whether it’s watching a sunrise, sunset…whatever you want to do, just do it. Self care is not about what others think you should be doing, it’s about what you want to do.
Widowbrain affects us all in some ways. I got forgetful. I didn’t shop for food, apart from junk food. I had no energy to cook a meal. I had a shower in the morning and was laying on the sofa at 4pm still in my towel. I was exhausted because I couldn’t sleep properly. I found ways to manage that. I slept on his side of the bed wearing his t-shirt.
The trick is to recognise the symptoms, find your way of managing it and ask for help. You will need it.
APRIL
Funeral Music: Where to start, how to choose and what’s popular?
Planning the music for a funeral or celebration of life is a deeply personal and meaningful task. It’s a way to honour the individual and create a memorable experience for all who attend. Here are some considerations and suggestions to help guide you through this process:
Why Include Music?
Personalisation: Music adds a unique touch to the ceremony, reflecting the personality and preferences of the departed.
Setting the Tone: Whether uplifting or somber, music sets the emotional tone of the service, guiding attendees through their grief or celebrating cherished memories.
How to Choose Music?
Personal Associations: Consider songs that evoke memories of your loved one. Reflect on their favorite artists, genres, or specific songs that hold special significance.
Preexisting Requests: If the departed made specific requests or had favourite songs, honour those choices. It’s a meaningful way to fulfil their wishes and pay tribute to their life.
Explore New Options: Don’t be afraid to explore new music that resonates with your loved one’s spirit or the mood you want to convey.
Music Suggestions:
- “Ave Maria” – Schubert
- “Jerusalem” – Blake
- “Angels” – Robbie Williams
- “My Way” – Frank Sinatra
- “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” – Monty Python
- “Hallelujah” – Jeff Buckley
- “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” – Israel Kamakawiwo`Ole
- “Tears in Heaven” – Eric Clapton
Remember:
No Fear of Offence: Choose music that resonates with your loved one’s memory and your own heart. It’s about honouring their life, not worrying about pleasing everyone with your choice.
Flowers
When selecting flowers, consider the symbolic significance of each bloom, conveying messages of love, remembrance, and renewal. Here’s some commonly chosen funeral flowers.
Lilies. Roses. Carnations. Chrysanthemums (Mums). Orchids. Gladioli. Daffodils and Tulips. Hyacinths. Forget-Me-Nots. Calla Lilies.
Recognise that flower meanings can vary across cultures, so choose blooms that resonate with your loved one’s spirit and preferences. If a funeral isn’t held, consider sending flowers directly to the grieving individual as a heartfelt gesture of support and remembrance.
MARCH
How do I know who to invite to a life celebration/funeral?
You have lost a loved one and are sitting at home wondering what’s next. There are lawyers to see. Documents to sign. Death certificate to get. Estate to deal with and that’s without even thinking about the funeral. One of the biggest questions for a funeral is, who do you invite?
Before you decide what form the funeral and/or life celebration will take, sit back, take a breath and think about what you want for your loved one. Do you want a big celebration? Do you want a small funeral and to go home and have time for yourself? Do you want everyone back to your property afterwards? A funeral/life celebration is a big event. It’s a long day. It’s a lot of preparation and decision making. Think about what you want.
Who to invite.
Did the deceased leave instructions of their own? If the deceased has left their own wishes, then decisions have been decided for you. It is always preferable to honour the deceased wishes if you know them.
Immediate Family only?
Following discussion with loved ones, you may decide to have a family only funeral. This is usually by invitation only. It would not be advertised, and family would contact those attendees that are to be invited. This would include the spouse, children, parents, siblings, and grandparents of the deceased.
Family and close friends only.
This again would be by invite only. If you want to keep the funeral private, do not advertise it. Invite the friends who were close to the deceased and shared a special bond.
Co-workers
If the deceased was a colleague, you may want to invite their co-workers, bosses, and employees who worked directly with them.
Extended family
This could include aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews.
Spiritual leaders
If the deceased was religious, you may want to invite their spiritual leader or members of their faith community.
Ultimately, who to invite to the funeral is a personal decision and should be based on the relationship that the individual had with the deceased. There are no right or wrong answers. I can offer advice but the decision is down to the funeral/life celebration planner.
How to invite attendees.
It is important to send a celebration of life/funeral invitation as it will serve as a reference for the important points of the day. It will tell the attendee where to come, time to come and dress expectations if any. You can add in whether flowers are welcome or if you wish for charitable donations.
Is it rude to not invite someone to the funeral?
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no right or wrong way when it comes down to managing invites to a funeral. However, it’s important to consider the circumstances and relationships involved when deciding who to invite to a funeral. It ultimately comes down to personal preference and factors such as family dynamics, the deceased’s wishes, and the size of the ceremony. It’s important to communicate clearly and respectfully with those who may not be invited to avoid any misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
The most important aspect of a funeral and/or life celebration is to provide a meaningful and respectful mourning opportunity for those attending and the ability to celebrate the life of the deceased. You will never please everyone with decisions that you make. Do what is right for you and the deceaseds wishes.
My late husband chose a non attending funeral and a life celebration at home. See below for the link to that story.
FEBRUARY
Funerals: To have or not to have – that is the question.
When you lose a member of your family, there are copious amounts of things to do. Bank accounts, wills, lawyers, house deeds, telling everyone, clearing property. Believe me when I say, I haven’t even scratched the surface. It’s overwhelming. But one of the big things that widows are asked, pretty quickly, is “so, when’s the funeral?” Imagine the reactions of those around me when I said, “there isn’t one.
When my husband and soulmate was diagnosed with his incurable illness, he immediately made plans for the end of his life. He said to me “I don’t want a funeral.” My first instinct was to giggle and tell him he wouldn’t know anyway, but the decision was made. There was to be no funeral. We made the decision together that he would have a life celebration instead. A party.
Now for anyone to make funeral plans and life celebration plans, it’s a tough thing to do. It can be incredibly traumatising. Imagine making your own. That’s downright brave. He planned who he wanted there. He told me where he wanted food from. He told me what colour scheme he wanted (silver for the anniversary we’d just celebrated). He even sorted out his own playlist of music on Spotify.
Now, I bet you’re reading this thinking…no funeral? How can you even think of no funeral? Here’s where I ask you to bear with me, hear me out. All my late husband could visualise was me at his funeral, upset with the trauma. He said to me these things and I stood by his choices and comments.
(1) It doesn’t change what happened.
(2) You don’t need a funeral to say goodbye to me.
(3) It won’t make you feel better as you have the trauma of knowing I am in the coffin in front of you.
(4) The people you’d have the funeral for, are mostly in the UK.
(5) You’ll find your way to grieve me and it’s not at a funeral, grief is forever.
So, we went for no funeral. There were mixed emotions. I was met with disbelief from some family members. I was met with trust from those he had shared his wishes with and trusted me to see them through. I was asked to livestream a funeral service and met with queries and questions as to why there wasn’t one. I was questioned by family members about his ashes and where they would go. The most important family members…his children, brothers and mum all knew what was happening, that it was my husband’s decision and were fine with my seeing it through.
In all reality, you have to do what’s right for you. If a family member has made plans, think carefully about everything you do. If you don’t follow their wishes, you can’t change your mind a few months later. Make sure you’re happy and can live with all of your decisions. Most of all, make sure that you have support.
JANUARY
How do I break the news to everyone.
In the era of incessant news cycles and pervasive social media, we find ourselves privy to a plethora of information, often in real-time. From disasters unfolding before our eyes to political events and the untimely passing of celebrities, the immediacy of communication is unparalleled. Yet, when the time comes to share the deeply personal news of a loved one’s passing, navigating the delicate process becomes both a physical and emotional challenge.
Effectively conveying such news requires careful consideration of the circumstances, the relationship dynamics involved, and the global dispersion of those affected. Recognising the impracticality of reaching everyone face to face, it becomes imperative to approach the task with sensitivity and thoughtfulness. I had to deliver news of the loss of my husband to his parents, brothers, children, my parents, brother, extended family and our friends. They were spread overseas, from USA to UK to Australia.
Let me offer some guidelines for you.
The first one is for you, the widow. You have just lost your partner and you need support. You have a lot of information to give to people who will be very distraught. Make sure that you have someone with you who can take the phone for you if you need to. Someone who can take over the conversation and be the empathy and strength that you need.
(A) In-Person Communication:
Whenever possible, share the news in person, and in a private place.
Allocate sufficient time for the conversation
Create a quiet environment by turning off phones, TV, and radio to minimise interruptions
If the recipient is elderly, consider having someone present with them and for them.
(B) Crafting the Message:
Plan what you intend to say in advance, although there us no easy way to say it.
Use plain and simple language, directly stating that the person has passed away.
Begin with a gentle introduction, such as “I have some news to tell you and it isn’t good.”
Ensure understanding by asking the person if they comprehended the information.
Encourage open expression of feelings and allow for shared grief.
(C) Keeping It Simple:
Limit the discussion of peripheral issues surrounding the death immediately after delivering the news. Everyone will ask questions. It’s human nature to do so. ‘When’s the funeral?’; ‘what happened?’ Keep the answer simple. Explain that you will give more information in good time.
(D) Multiple Recipients:
If possible, share the responsibility with another family member to lighten the emotional burden.
Delegate specific family members to convey the news to others.
Consider group texts for efficient communication.
(E) Social Media Considerations:
Assess the appropriateness of a social media post based on the relationship with the deceased.
Prioritise informing close family members before making a public announcement.
Craft a respectful and informative post, including essential details and plans, if available. If you are crafting a message for someone else, make sure that you ensure that they have seen it and are happy with it before it’s posted to social media.
In the age of rapid information dissemination, death remains an inevitable facet of life that necessitates a delicate and thoughtful approach. However, regardless of the method chosen, delivering such news is an inherently challenging and universally difficult experience.
