The year of firsts

Firsts….every first has its own memory that will be tinged with sadness. Every first is another reminder that your loved one is not here. Every first makes you wonder if you can get through it. Every first makes you dread the date. Every first makes you wonder if you can survive them.

Every single one of my firsts without Mark was more painful than I guess I will ever admit to anyone. But I survived them. August 31 was my last first. There will be dates that will mean something all my life. Anniversary, birthday and the day that he passed away. The firsts end up defining you. Getting through the firsts can show you how strong you are, when maybe you didn’t realise it yourself. Getting through the firsts is the first step on a long road. I miss him more than anyone will ever know but I know that he would be proud of everything I’ve done. Now I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking that path. It’s about moving forwards….

I had seen the above TED talk a few times but after it was sent to me by a friend today, it inspired me to come up with this….

I got through my “firsts” but how are you not here?

Your pictures here. Your hat is here.

Your clothes in my wardrobe, I wear your t shirts.

How are you not here?

It seems wrong still that you’re not here.

You should be asking me for a cup of tea.

You should be hugging me at night all through to the morning.

How are you not here?

I don’t want to move on, I never will.

I don’t even want to move forward but that I have to do, at some stage.

Why aren’t you here to tell me everything’s fine?

Why aren’t you here to tell me our life can continue?

I’ll never stop loving you. Never stop missing you.

I’ll always say goodnight to you, even though you can’t hear me.

I’ll always be your wife.